Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
