Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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