I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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