I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
