the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
