i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
