i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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