I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
