I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
