just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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