Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
we should paint friendship bongs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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