I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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