I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
