i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
