Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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