his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
