I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
