he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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