I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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