your parents love me but you hate me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
