the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
