I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
