Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
