I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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