im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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