Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
