Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
