how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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