If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
