Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
