He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
