look no pants
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
