I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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