Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
