He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
