Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
