I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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