yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
