she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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