Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
