New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
