Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
