Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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