and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
