At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
