I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
