She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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