I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's blow job season.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
