sarcasm needs its own font
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
