Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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