I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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