my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
