Will you blow on my dice?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
