I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the condom got lost in my hair
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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