So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
