Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
