My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
