There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
