We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
